Britney Spears' Tragic Family Secrets

We have been duped. Britney Spears promised us she wouldn't swipe her V-card until she got married, only to reveal she had already slept with Justin Timberlake. Now Us Weekly is revealing that Britney actually did the deed with her first love, Reg Jones, when she was only 14.

Us is also unveiling a terrible secret family history of the Spears family. Her paternal grandmother, Emma Jean Spears, committed suicide at the age of 31. She had given birth to a boy eight years earlier who passed away after only three days and took her life by shooting herself in the chest on his grave. Emma Jean had attempted suicide three times before this. She left behind four children, including Britney's dad, Jamie Spears, and two other boys that ended up homeless with criminal records. All this and more in the new issue that hits newsstands Wednesday.

- Awww, isn't Nicole Richie just the sweetest? She's donating all of her baby gifts to 100 needy families.

- Simon Cowell revealed that he has had Botox. Thank you for letting us know, Captain Obvious.

- Mary-Kate Olsen was hospitalized with a kidney infection on Monday. Not that I'm jumping to any conclusions, but do you know what can cause a kidney infection? A little too much lovin', that's what.

- The Red Hot Chili Peppers filed a lawsuit against Showtime on Monday for violating a federal trademark law. The band's 1999 album "Californication" was "the signature CD, video and song of the band's career. For some TV show to come along and steal our identity is not right." The lawsuit calls for Showtime to stop using the name as the title of their show starring David Duchovny and give the band any profits made on the show.

- Bill Nye "The Science Guy" has filed a restraining order against his wife, who he claims tried to poison him. Wait a minute... I haven't seen ol' Bill Nye for years, and all of the sudden he turns up on "America's Most Smartest Model" and someone tried to kill him? What a comeback! Meet the new Brad Pitt, ladies and gents.

- The inquest into the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son, Daniel, finally began on Monday. Daniel died in a Bahamas hospital three days after his mom gave birth to sister Dannielynn on September 10, 2006.

- "The Bachelor" Brad Womack is still very much a bachelor...

- What did you think of the "Weeds" season finale? I don't know what to think! I don't want to reveal too much for those who DVRed it, but I was a bit perplexed by the ending. Hence the term "cliffhanger." Will Nancy and Conrad ever end up happily ever after? Maybe in Pittsburgh? I guess we will have to wait until next year to find out!

Photo: Us Weekly

Funjaya Rant

What the crap is up with this kid Sanjaya? Is anyone else sick of hearing about him and/or looking at what hairdo he has this week? You all know my strong distaste for "American Idol"... Yes, even the auditions. "American Idol" to me is kind of like baseball season. I dread it before the start, it seems to last eons, and I couldn't care less about which team wins the World Series. But for some reason, I am bombarded with constant news coverage about the subject. To which I then have to shake my head in unison with my friends, not knowing whether I'm agreeing or disagreeing because I am exhausted from constantly explaining how much I detest the subject.

Every time I have turned on a TV or a computer lately (which is a lot), I see news headlines about Sanjaya. "Why is Sanjaya still on 'American Idol'? Vote in our poll." "What is your favorite Sanjaya hairstyle? Text 1 for Road Runner to 51414." Even Natalie Morales did a whole segment about it this morning on "The Today Show". You've got to be kidding me. I have to be bothered with this before my morning coffee? This kid, who no one seems to acknowledge the fact that he's a little light in the loafers, is getting all this credit for innovative hairstyles when he obviously has a stylist put together these looks for him. But I guess if I was his stylist I wouldn't want credit for that hair either. And not that I have watched the show to know, but like I said, I have to see constant clips of him on E! News... This kid can't sing worth a crap. Yet he's getting praised for his ability to connect with twelve year old girls. Just because one girl breaks down into tears does not mean you are a good singer, Sanjaya.

Everyone keeps wondering how Sanjaya with no singing ability can stick around the competition for so long. Are you people idiots? Does no one realize that the voting is fixed? While you're calling in nine billion times next Tuesday night, I hope you know you are wasting your time. To even think that your vote matters is to think that your vote actually counts in the presidential election. The producers are keeping him around because the press is having a field day with it, thus encouraging more people to watch.

Moral of the story, I'm so sick of hearing about this kid and "American Idol". I abhor Ryan Seacrest and I can't believe they allow a truly unstable Paula Abdul on live television multiple times a week with young children watching. They're just asking for something inappropriate to happen. Yet week after week, more people tune in. Then I have to come to work with people asking, "Did you see Sanjaya last night?" No. No, I didn't. The answer will always be a firm "no". But for some reason, I keep turning it to E! at 7PM basically handing Ryan Seacrest his paycheck while he forces me to watch clips of Simon being an ass or Sanjaya making an ass of himself. Damn you, Seacrest. Damn you.

Killa out