Sir Bono, Posh, and TV news

Did anyone watch "Lost" last night? I don't like episodes about the new survivors. Or anything that makes me think a spider is crawling on me all night. Or that I will be buried alive.

- Bono was knighted today, but he would prefer it if we didn't call him "sir". I'll try to remember that next time I'm hanging out with him.

- Bruce Willis was supposedly seen "full-on making out" with Courtney Love at his 52nd birthday party. Vom.

- Sources are now speculating that caffeine killed Anna Nicole Smith. I guess I need to switch to decaf. "What?! Why you son of a bitch! You told me this was regular coffee!" A select few of you will get that reference.

- Us Weekly posted a letter on their website pleading with Victoria Beckham to start wearing bras when she moves to LA. Here is my letter: Dear Posh, Please go to In-and-Out Burger as soon as you land at LAX. Love, Killa

- "Top Chef" host Padma Lakshmi has supposedly split from her author husband Salman Rushdie. She claims he was totally harshing her buzz.

- Britney Spears went to the hospital because her tooth was hurting. Today she has a headache and CNN devoted a half-hour to the story.

- To promote The Simpsons movie this summer, select 7-Eleven stores might be turned into Kwik-E-Marts. People will also be able to buy Buzz Cola and iced Squishees. There is no sarcasm involved in this post.

- "Rescue Me" will begin its fourth season in June. I'm absolutely ecstatic for more opportunities to see my Hispanic boyfriend Franco!!

- It was reported that "Diff'rent Strokes" actor Todd Bridges was dead. He responded with, "What you talkin' bout, TMZ?"

- "Laguna Beach" = DUIs. The newest cast member to get arrested is Jessica Smith, who you may remember as the most annoying person in existence. She was released today and charged with a DUI and causing "great bodily injury" in a car wreck.

- Seeing how much press Britney Spears has received lately, Donald Trump might shave his head. Hallelujah.

- There is a marathon of "The Office" tonight on NBC. So that's two hours of Jim Halpert. Awesome!

- Has anyone been watching "'Til Death Do Us Part?", the new Court TV show hosted by John Waters? He is the narrator that takes us through a new story of spousal murder each episode. It is my new favorite murder show. Perhaps maybe I should start watching "American Idol"...

Funjaya Rant

What the crap is up with this kid Sanjaya? Is anyone else sick of hearing about him and/or looking at what hairdo he has this week? You all know my strong distaste for "American Idol"... Yes, even the auditions. "American Idol" to me is kind of like baseball season. I dread it before the start, it seems to last eons, and I couldn't care less about which team wins the World Series. But for some reason, I am bombarded with constant news coverage about the subject. To which I then have to shake my head in unison with my friends, not knowing whether I'm agreeing or disagreeing because I am exhausted from constantly explaining how much I detest the subject.

Every time I have turned on a TV or a computer lately (which is a lot), I see news headlines about Sanjaya. "Why is Sanjaya still on 'American Idol'? Vote in our poll." "What is your favorite Sanjaya hairstyle? Text 1 for Road Runner to 51414." Even Natalie Morales did a whole segment about it this morning on "The Today Show". You've got to be kidding me. I have to be bothered with this before my morning coffee? This kid, who no one seems to acknowledge the fact that he's a little light in the loafers, is getting all this credit for innovative hairstyles when he obviously has a stylist put together these looks for him. But I guess if I was his stylist I wouldn't want credit for that hair either. And not that I have watched the show to know, but like I said, I have to see constant clips of him on E! News... This kid can't sing worth a crap. Yet he's getting praised for his ability to connect with twelve year old girls. Just because one girl breaks down into tears does not mean you are a good singer, Sanjaya.

Everyone keeps wondering how Sanjaya with no singing ability can stick around the competition for so long. Are you people idiots? Does no one realize that the voting is fixed? While you're calling in nine billion times next Tuesday night, I hope you know you are wasting your time. To even think that your vote matters is to think that your vote actually counts in the presidential election. The producers are keeping him around because the press is having a field day with it, thus encouraging more people to watch.

Moral of the story, I'm so sick of hearing about this kid and "American Idol". I abhor Ryan Seacrest and I can't believe they allow a truly unstable Paula Abdul on live television multiple times a week with young children watching. They're just asking for something inappropriate to happen. Yet week after week, more people tune in. Then I have to come to work with people asking, "Did you see Sanjaya last night?" No. No, I didn't. The answer will always be a firm "no". But for some reason, I keep turning it to E! at 7PM basically handing Ryan Seacrest his paycheck while he forces me to watch clips of Simon being an ass or Sanjaya making an ass of himself. Damn you, Seacrest. Damn you.

Killa out

Britney kept her Promises

- Britney Spears is getting out of rehab this week. I can't believe it has been a month already, but it's true. I checked the dates... She went into Promises (and actually stayed put for once) on February 22. Britney and Kevin Federline had a meeting on Sunday and have determined that they will have joint custody of their kids. I can't wait to see what happens next...

- Keanu Reeves was in a car wreck yesterday with a paparazzo. He backed into the paparazzo while in a parking lot, and the photog was taken to the hospital to be treated for injuries. Keanu avoided the police by jumping in his magic telephone booth and transporting back to 2005 to stop himself from making The Lake House.

- Janice Dickinson has been banned from future Ed Hardy fashion shows after making a scene at his show last night about her seat assignment and dissing his clothes. Why do people invite her to things anyway?

- "Dancing with the Stars" started last night. I only watched Heather Mills, but she sure had a leg up on the competition. (I stole that joke from a relative.)

- Naomi Campbell showed up for community service in high heels. The media is shocked, but I'm not sure why.

- Uma Thurman and her boyfriend Andre Balazs have broken up. Again.

- Dunkin Donuts will be giving away free 16 oz. iced coffees all day tomorrow, so go get yourself some free coffee.

Have a good week!

Just Ask Me

New York Post's Page Six has a section called "Just Asking". They pose questions about certain people in the media, but never give you the answers leaving you to your own assumptions. Sometimes the answer is blatantly obvious, while others take some pondering. I'd like to pose a new segment called "Just Asking Pop Guru" where I give my own personal answers. Feel free to tell me what your answers would be in the comments. Please to enjoy...

- "Which multi-Oscar-winning leading man is not aging gracefully? While the ladies say he's great between the sheets, they get turned off by his bizarre nocturnal habit of using a chamber pot by his bed instead of the toilet." Ummm.... Vomit. I think it's fairly obvious that this is Jack Nicholson. He seems to get around a lot. Paul Newman has only won one Oscar and Clint Eastwood has been married for eleven years, so I don't think it can be either of them. Plus, I can't see Paul or Clint using a pot to relieve themselves. And I can't say the same for Jack, so he gets my vote.

- "Which socialite was conspicuously absent from the front row during Fashion Week because she was in rehab? The bride-to-be went to a 'special spa' to conquer her cocaine habit before the wedding." This one is a tough one. I immediately thought, "Paris! Lindsay! Nicole!" But none of those girls are engaged. It might be tiny Latina Eva Longoria, engaged to Tony Parker. The only thing that holds me back from that is they aren't getting married until July, so it seems a bit early for her to kick the habit. However, I can’t recall any pictures of her at fashion shows.

- "Which celebrity mom joins her daughter in snorting lines of cocaine?" Tina Knowles. Just kidding. Dina Lohan. Duh.

- "Which soulful singer is bulimic? Friends are concerned the stress of having a new album is causing her to throw up her meals." Joss Stone. She's just got a new album out and she sings pretty soulfully (is that a word?).

- "Which funnyman is having an affair? His wife doesn't mind - she's got her money and her status to keep her company." This could be Chris Rock. It has been reported for a while that he and his wife were getting a divorce, and he felt no comments were necessary. But now all of the sudden he has a movie out called I Think I Love My Wife and he's going all over town saying they are so much in love and nothing is wrong. But for some reason I can't see him as the cheating type. Nor can I see Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller (or can I?), or many other people. I would go with Jim Carrey because I'm not a huge fan, but he's not married. He's just shacking it up with Jenny McCarthy. Sooo... Robin Williams it is.

Kids, kids, and more kids...

Hello all! I hope you've been enjoying the freakish weather. 70 degrees and beautiful one day, and snowstorm the next. I think we need to consult Al Gore on when the Apocalypse will be coming.

- Speaking of the Apocalypse, hell is slowly freezing over as Tori Spelling and her mom Candy have decided to reconcile their differences now that Tori has had her baby. Tori and Dean McDermott welcomed a baby boy named Liam Aaron McDermott, after her late father Aaron Spelling. The family was in awe and shock looking at the baby because they couldn't even remember what a real nose looked like. Don't worry, little one. You'll soon have a new nose, and all your family members will stop pointing and laughing.

- I feel like this blog is one big birth announcement website. Abstinence might not be a bad thing, Hollywood. Salma Hayek is preggers and engaged to businessman Francois-henri Pinault, the CEO of PPR, which owns Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent. Congrats on all the cool clothes you're getting from this, but I wish you would go back to Edward Norton. And then give me all your old cool clothes.

- Angelina Jolie adopted a Vietnamese child and named him Pax Thien Jolie. Some say the child may even be back in New Orleans with her family this weekend. Angelina adopted him as a single parent because she and Brad Pitt are not married. He will be able to make it official later on, as he did with Maddox and Zahara.

- Johnny Depp's daughter Lily-Rose has finally been released from the hospital and is doing much better after being in the hospital since late February for blood poisoning.

- Maggie Gyllenhaal might be taking Katie Holmes' old spot in the upcoming Dark Night, the newest flick from the Batman Franchise. Out with the psycho zombie, in with the magnificent!

- Maggie's bro and my ex, Jake Gyllenhaal might be playing Captain Marvel in the upcoming Shazam! movie.

- Ellen Degeneres is very pleased after being nominated for twelve Daytime Emmy Awards. She's also being pressured into marriage, supposedly. Sources say Ellen and girlfriend Portia de Rossi may wed in June. Apparently, Portia is ready to make it official and told Ellen after The Oscars that she wanted a real commitment. So, they might marry in June on their ranch while Ellen is on hiatus and then have the summer as newlyweds until the show begins again in August. There are concerns that Anne Heche might show up during the wedding while looking for aliens that belong to her galactic tribe, so Ellen and Portia are working on getting a super tight security system for the event.

- Brit's got herself a new man. I've got high hopes for this relationship to work out since they met at an AA meeting. Jason Filyaw, 33, had already prodouced one of her albums, but then they reconnected at rehab. He says, "I love her. I support her 100% and we are close." We'll have to wait and see what happens with this one...

- In other rehab news, my fav designer Marc Jacobs entered rehab this week. He claims to have relapsed after seven years sober and he is trying to fix the problem as quickly as possible. Good luck, Marc! I think I have an idea that might help you. You know what always makes me feel better when I'm down? Free stuff! Why don't you try it, Marc? Send me a new handbag, preferably the new Stam Quilted Bag in black, and you will instantly feel so much better about yourself! Trust me. It works.

- Eva Longoria (who turned 32 today) says she wants friend Kenny Chesney to play at her wedding. Eva, if you have Kenny play his god awful country music at your wedding, I will not come as a protest to such a dumbass choice. But if you don't let him play... Well, I still won't come because I was never even invited in the first place. Thanks a lot, Eva.

-At The Clothes of Our Back Event last night, Carmen Electra thought she looked damn good...until she got to the end of the catwalk and BUSTED! That might get a couple chuckles, but there's more to come. Alison Sweeney, better known as Sami from "Days of Our Lives", comes rushing to her aid from backstage... and BUSTS it herself! How embarrassing! C'mon, Alison. You should have known better. Sami never would have done that. She would have greased the runway to force Carmen to fall, watch the fall while leering in the dark on the side of the stage, then leave and talk to herself in another room about her next plot for that evil Carmen bitch that stole Austin from her. I think I see a new storyline developing for DOOL. But copy and paste the link below into your browser to see the original catastrophe.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid285859616/bclid294430730/bctid649589151

Enjoy!! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

- Killa

Online shopping, Laguna Beach, O.J., and much more...

Hola! Sorry for my absence. Here is an update on what's happened in the last week...

- That horrendous looking movie Wild Hogs beat out my boo's Zodiac this weekend at the box office.

- However, we have broken up as I have just heard that Jake Gyllenhaal is dating his costar, Reese Witherspoon, from the movie they are currently filming, Rendition. Although, I don't really believe it and I will definitely take him back when he comes crawling back to me to apologize.

- I'm excited because I just found out that Hot Fuzz is coming out in limited release on April 20. It is the second movie from the Brits that made Shaun of the Dead, one of the funniest movies I have seen in years. Definitely put that one on your Netflix Queue.

- Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson have come out as a couple and have been seen making out all over the place. Shocking since we didn't know you were shacking it up months ago.

- Britney Spears is struggling in rehab and her family is worried she will skip out early on her treatment. She has been buying thousands of dollars worth of clothes online, replacing an old addiction with a costly new one. I can't imagine how awful this time must be for her. Massages, shopping, publicity, all the cigarettes she wants...my heart aches for you, Britney.

- "Laguna Beach" star Jason Wahler has been sentenced to sixty days in jail after pleading no contest to a battery charge in LA. How will he ever cope without getting his hair highlighted for that long? What a shame.

- Naomi Campbell will be mopping the floors of New York's Sanitation Department after throwing a cell phone at her maid. In an ironic turn of events, the maid will be given a cell phone and allowed one free shot at Naomi as she mops.

- Heaven help us. Star Jones is getting her own TV show about criminal justice and popular culture. She also says she doesn't watch "The View" anymore, but prefers to read up on all the controversy in the tabloids. Duh. Who actually watches "The View"? It's called YouTube.

- In "I couldn't care less but some of you idiots might like to know this" news, Daniel Radcliffe has signed on for the last two films in the Harry Potter franchise.

- The freak show keeps getting weirder and weirder. O.J. Simpson might also be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, Dannielynn. They are still uncertain as to how Anna Nicole died, but I'm voting for Howard Stern in the parlor with a candlestick.

- Elizabeth Hurley has gotten married like sixteen times in four days. Congrats.

- Tori Spelling and her second husband Dean McDermott have just opened their new bed and breakfast, Chateau La Rue. It is named after their pug, Mimi La Rue. It is located in Fallbrook, CA, just 100 miles south of LA. I'm thinking road trip. Who's coming with me?

- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are adopting another kid, this time from Vietnam. When they get another one, they are planning on putting on little shows where the kids perform songs from the Jackson 5. But each one will sing in their native language. How cute.

That's all. Have a good week. I'll try to update more frequently if I can. Peace.