The Spawn of Gayken

In the past few months that I've been away from Pop Guru, little has slipped by me. I've still kept up with all the latest news - Miley Cyrus' skankified Vanity Fair pics, Lindsay Lohan's lesbian affair (ahem, old news), Britney Spears' tropical vacay with Mel Gibson, even Melissa Joan Hart's potty training troubles (why People insists on constantly updating us on her life is beyond me) - but none of this inspired my usual rants and raves. However, that has been put to an end today.

My friends, today is the day that I found out some horrifying news that shook me to my very core. News so shocking that it had the power to wake me from my blogging slumber. Prepare yourselves because what I'm about to say will undoubtedly cause you to run screaming for the hills. Are you sitting down? You should really sit down. Ok... Here goes... Clay Aiken has... wait for it... impregnated a woman. Ahhhhh!!! I know! I couldn't believe it either. I can practically feel the chills tingling down your spine at this very moment.



When I first saw the headline "Clay Aiken to Be a Dad", a million thoughts ran through my mind. Gayken is going to be a father? How is this so?! He has never even kissed a woman, for goodness sakes, much less gotten excited enough to impregnate one! This cannot be so. So I click upon the link only to see... BLOCKED!!! Nooooooooooo!!!! My employer had blocked the site that was my yellow brick road to this juicy Emerald City of gossip! What is a girl to do? Oh, the horror!

Luckily, People finally updated their site with the news and I was able to stop hyperventilating. Turns out Gayken has sperminated his dear friend and music producer Jaymes Foster. Wait... What?! I know Gayken could never sleep with a woman (you know what I'm talking about, Tom Cruise), so how did he impregnate a man named Jaymes? I'm so confused! Is this the pregnant man we keep hearing so much about on "Oprah"? Actually, it is a woman named Jaymes (interesante...) that is just a friend wanting to have a child with Gayken - no strings attached. Reps still made no comment on Gayken's sexuality (honestly, why bother?). The little bundle of joy is due in August. Do you need any help coming up with names, Gayken? I'm really good at that. For a girl, I suggest Barbra or Liza. Maybe Judy. Oh, or even Cher! I'm thinking if it's a boy you should call him Rock. Or perhaps Neil Patrick Harris. Yes, that's it! We shall call him NPH Gayken, Jr. Beautiful... Just beautiful...

And while I'm sharing happy news, I thought you might like to know some other joyous news I recently found out. My Sunday nights have been so terribly boring these past couple of months with no "Rock of Love" to look forward to. Sunday around 9pm only brought a dark void in my life and a reminder that Bret Michaels had found love with Ambre and there was nothing I could do to tear them apart in hopes of another season. But someone must have heard my prayers because VH1 has decided to produce "Rock of Love Girls: Charm School"!! Groupie lovers rejoice because we've got a whole season of Bret's girls getting whipped into shape - with Sharon Osbourne on hand to teach them some manners. Which just bewilders me because isn't this Mrs. Manners the same lady that threw a ham through her neighbor's window for being too loud? But I digress. Nothing can get in the way of the pure bliss I feel. I can hear the faint chants of people across America shouting, "Bring Daisy back! Bring Daisy back!" More FACE TIME! with Peyton! This is just too amazing for words. Oh, man. I can't wait!!! I'm already planning my premiere party.